Missing Home

-Could Trigger-
As today was my last day of classes before spring break, I really wishing I was going home to philly and not going on this trip, I miss my friends from home and hanging out, and also just the comfort. I think this challenge of this trip for the next week will really be a big adventure and to challenge my recovery, I feel that admitting also that in the last week, I've been clinging to safe foods, and I don't want anyone to feel whoms reading my post that my eating is normal or something they should model after. As I'm in my second week of recovery and am trying to slowly get into a more normal eating pattern. I also want to admit that I've been restricting, and its something I'm fighting everyday. This morning I was able to have some cheerios, shredded wheat, soymilk and raisins and fought the urge to restrict
Then later I found myself in the battlegrounds as I sat in my class this morning, and was counting calories in my notebook, instead of listening, and writing notes, this calorie counting thing has been a habit since high school and I realize its something I need to stop, and a friend saw it the other day, who knows about my ed and I was embarrassed and realized that I'm still far from recovery or getting better. After this morning, I fought the desires of ed to restrict as it kept telling me to just eat less otherwise since I already had breakfast, I would get out of control again. I fought this mindset and sat down to lunch and had a fear food which was a chicken curry salad, which i used to love before ed, and one of my new nectar cacao mocha bars, and feel proud that I fought and won.
Yet I feel that many around me are aware now of my ed, as I once kept it hidden, and did so very well, but I told some close friends and part of me wishes I hadn't, but I also realize by telling people who care, when I go off the deep end, they are there as a reminder that theres more important things in life. I also recognize the need to recover as I'm sick of battling with this since I was 16 and am now 21 and want it out of my life, but there are so many habits that it has left with me and I'm stilling trying to break, part of me also feels that I don't deserve recovery, that I'm not sick enough, that I'm not worthy of it, but I know that is part of ed telling me I need to get worse in order to even deserve help. As I struggled with this battle alone through my three years in high school and kept silent as I never got to a dangrously low weight, but for my body it was, but I still didn't think anything was wrong with me. I remembering the summer of my junior year in high school passing out at home due to fasting and it waking me up that I need to get better, again I would get better for a while and eat in fear of parents finding out and ed would pull me back in. This cycle has never ended for the past five years, but I know now its time
-Renewal and Recovery are just over the horizon and now it just needs to be grasped-