Saturday Relax

Today was a day devoted to relaxing and forgetting Ed, it went well, my brother and me went off to my Uncle's and there I just chilled out and talked with my brother on the way and actually played video games with all four of my boy cousins, see I have a huge family and I have three brothers myself and I'm the only girl, so that means alot of video games.
I knocked ed out of my mind, enjoyed my day, ate normally, didn't binge, and was able to enjoy just being me:)
I also bought something on the way home, after seeing in on so many other blogs and had a snack with some of this delicous Dark Chocolate Dreams on top of a nature valley granola bar, it was great! and I didn't let Ed make me feel guilty one bit

Weekend Battle

Yesterday, was a real challenge for me, usually weekdays are my easier days, but the weekend is like a constant challenge not to revert back to ed behaviors, and yesterday was really hard, I felt like I just wanted to restrict and in general keep away from food due to my fear, that I would do my usual Friday binge. Yet, I made myself have cereal and some soymilk for two meals, and but I went out twice yesterday afternoon and then evening for food with friends, So it was really tough, my biggest challenge is always going out for food, or eating out in general it makes me very nervous and usually I feel really guilty after, which leads to me binging. Well last night I just ordered a soy latte at Panera, since I knew I was going out again later, but at the same time I was hungry but I restricted, due to the fear of eating foods there. Then I went on a date and I feel like I ruined it with my constant worries about eating out tonight at Uno's with my date and a bunch of friends. I was really nervous and ended up eating what I was afraid of due to I was hungry from restricting, but it was still so hard and after the feelings of guilt, I let Ed ruin my date, which really was not fun. I feel like it was hard, but I'm glad I didn't let Ed get the best of me, because I ended up not binging after which I felt was good:)
This morning I bought some delicious strawberries as a treat, due to it's almost spring


I'm ready to not let Ed ruin the rest of my weekend;)

Today I woke up and actually went to the dining hall, and made a pretty healthy breakfast consisting of plain yogurt, grapenuts,honey, and an apple, considering a college cafeteria, we have pay per item meal plan which is great, because you can take you food with you and you can buy what you want and the food is better quality, we even have silk soy milk and kashi:)

For Lunch I almost felt like I was going to binge and though decided to wait a while by journaling to rid myself of that feeling and realize I was frustrated with a things going on in my life, that was I still feel lonely and also just not having positive feelings about who I am, I realized that this techinque of just writing, kept me from acting out my ed behaviors, so after that and getting some studying in at the library, I picked up Sushi-which was one of my challenge foods for this week, to let myself eat it and not feel guilt, and not to think about calories, since most of my saftey foods consist of things I know the calories of, and I realize this behavior is something I really need to work on

Then I am off to do the rest of my homework, which is mostly Shakespeare, and I packed this Bar as a snack before work, its one of my new favorites it really tastes like a blueberry crisp or a good dessert
Then off to coffee with my brother later and getting more studying in

Quick Wednesday

Today I got up and made myself a bowl of Cheerios, w/granola, and some raisins, plus plain silk soymilk

Then I packed this Kashi Bar for later, since I wouldn't have time today to have lunch until later, I never had this Chocolate Almond Flavor before but it was pretty good, tasted like a chocolate rice krispie treat, and I also packed an apple not pictured

Then for dinner I was really in the mood just for some PB and J, so I made one on whole wheat w/ Teddy's Natural Crunchy PB and Smucker's whole fruit strawberry jam

For dessert, I bought some fresh fruit from the cafe downstairs, and it was exactly what I needed, I really love fresh pineapple, once I had it, I feel like I can never go back to canned

I talked to my mom on the phone today and it was pretty hard, I always feel like my mom never really understood me, and when I was in high school my parents pretty much emotionally bailed out on me, and didn't offer me much help, but in the positive I'm closer to my older brother now, and we are going out for coffee tommorow night, he lives close by my college, as we went to the same one! I really miss my friends from high school and have never really felt at home at college, even though I'm a junior I can't wait till, I graduate, but at the same time I don't want to rush it, I feel like I keep to myself alot at college and don't really socialize much, which is not the real me, as I love to talk, but my eating disorder has really alienated me from other girls my age, and I feel like alot is so superficial at my college and alot of my friendships haven't really stuck through the hard times except my ones from home. I think I'm going to try and do things more with others on campus so I'm not alone so much, and that way keep my mind off eating disorder thougts. Well, I'm off to a missions trip meeting that I'm going on for spring break:) which should help me on the socializing and meeting people front.

Today went pretty well, I've had some trouble trying to stick to my eating plan and make sure I was eating consistently, but I did it so 2 days down:)


Lunch-veggie stirfry w/brown rice


Snack:Smore Luna Bar, and a choc soymilk


Dinner-Yogurt w/apples/honey/and more granola-has become a favored combo





I also found out that I'm going to Japan this summer:) to work and I'm super excited, so I now I have a goal to work towards in recovery, as I want to be healthy and enjoy my trick when I go, and I have something to keep me busy to prepare for- which is brushing up on my Japanese

Chaotic Tuesday

I'm really wishing I was doing this right now, which where I was last year around this time, In Guatemala picking coffee beans on a fair trade farm and just enjoying time spent with the locals and learning about their culture and history

But anyways I'm not, I'm in cold weather hoping we get an early spring:) and soon

I woke up this morning and had a typical college breakfast of quaker maple low-sugar instatn oats w/soymilk, yet was still hungry, so I had a bowl of cheerios w/soymilk-that was a challenge for me to eat this and not to feel like I was binging, so I'm trying to keep my mind on positive thoughts and just realize my body needed the fuel

Today is going to be hectic too, due to I have a interview at 12:30 and I'm hoping that goes well, and I work a good chunk of tonight..

I'm hoping I'm able to keep from binging or restricting, and yesterday was good, but I know today will be a huge challenge for me..

Monday, New Beginnings and a New Journey

Today I started out after reading my new book about recovery and it consists of a 30 day plan that I'm going to try and stick to, the hard thing about it for me, is aknowledging the need to eat healthy and that I deserve it, a another book I read last night also about recovery, said that we need to forgive ourselves and others in order to move on with our future and healing, for me the hardest thing is forgiving myself, for the years of destruction that I placed on my life from my binging and restricting habits since I was 16 and I want to change, I feel that I am unworthy of healing and being happy, but I realize that I do deserve it after reading yesterday, As far as food wise its still really hard for me to eat and feel okay due to my acid reflux but I'm trying to eat 5 smaller meals that my doctor recommended I should do,
So today I enjoyed
Breakfast:Blueberry Bliss Luna Bar, and a Banana
Lunch:A salad w/chickpeas and also an apple
Snack:1 cup of Kashi GoLean(my favorite) and Plain Yogurt with some Trader Joe's Clover Blossom Honey-I highly reccomend this combo, very good
Dinner:I'm planning on a hummus sandwhich on whole wheat w/tabbloueh also
Snack:Chocolate Soymilk and an orange

These are all safe foods for me and I realize I need to challenge myself with stuff I normally wouldn't feel comfortable eating, except if I was binging, so I'm going to work hard the next seven days on just eating healthy and consistently, and then slowly work in other foods, once I feel comfortable with this.

This picture has a meaning behind it for me, it was when I was really struggling in high school with my eating disorder by myself, and went to Germany and was able to have a week of peace and what I feel like life would be like without ed. This is a picutre of a chapel in Heidelberg, Germany, and It makes me feel that freedom and renewal are not that faraway

Rainy Sunday, with Granola:)

Today I was really tired, and did not get enough sleep last night, but I was in rush and didn't eat a good breakfast which set in alot of my ed behaviors, which forced me to fight them the rest of the day, so I had a luna bar before church, then had to eat an icky cafeteria lunch of rice and carrots, not the most healthy or picture friendly, I've been trying to find ways to get in healthier foods, and not resort to my ed behaviors and binging then the restricting which usually happens at college, it something I really need to work on, is eating three healthy meals and making sure to eat when I'm hungry and not getting to the point when I'm starving, but I did eat a great snack tonight that was delicious...

I mixed 1/2 cup of plain yogurt w/some honey,raisins,this new awesome granola I found, and a cut up golden delicious apple:) it was so good, made up for all the bad food I had today and it didn't aggravate my acid reflux

This is the new granola I bought its really good and has my two favorite things in it Dates, and Cashews..

I also spent most of the day writing my play for a class, and a paper for my Shakespeare class. I really need to find some ways to keep my mind off ed thoughts and to keep myself busier