Sunday, March 22, 2009

Fighting

I slept in till 11:30 today, I've been on a strange schedule and just did hw all morning/afternoon before I go to work, ahh so much for leaving things till the last minute, I had a delicous new yogurt flavor for breakfast along with my granola and strawberries.
It tasted like a dessert but wasn't too sweet, one of my new favorites, It was so a good morning after a hard night of binging and just not feeling good about myself, I let ed take over my mind and I never want it to happen again. I even went out to the grocery store to buy binge food, and I felt horrible, knowing what I was about to do, it was so sad, but something happened at the check-out, I saw a guy from my college, whom I know pretty well, and he asked me how I was doing?, I was so embarrased as he had interrupted ed's plans to get me back to my empty dorm room and just binge. So this helped and my binge was short lived, I'm so happy now I realize there is so much more to life, beyond this ed and that moment captured it as it is somenone I greatly respect whom I saw during my episode. I'm still fighting for control of my life and its a tough fight, It seems so easier just to give in like I have in the past, but this time I will not!!! I have to repeat to myself, "This is my life, not eds, and I want to enjoy whom I am and not waste time on ed behaviors"

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Spring has come

Friday was a sporadic day, I went out with a friend and had a chicken dosa, which was a huge challenge for me as indian is a huge fear food, but I was able to focus on the social part and eat unitl I was full, so that went well, but I was so hungry after still I continued to eat into the evening with lots of ice cream and alot of the butterscotch oat scones I made, I feel it wasn't a binge though, as I've been not able to eat most of the week due to health problems with acid reflux and felt better tonight. I 've found this to be very frustrating especially in recovery when trying to eat normal and healthy and then not being able to when most foods make me sick. But on a more cheerful note, I got my bike repaired and went for an awesome bike ride this morning to the library in town and just to get some fresh air:) I am so happy I have freedom back which for me is my bike, since I don't have a car at college, but now I can go to my fav. fair trade coffee shop and the beach, so it feels like christmas morning to me today.

Spring is finally here, I'm so happy to be finally enjoying the outdoors again:) I'm a total hiking, biking, and rock climbing fan

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Peace:)

Today went well in the morning, alot of running around with lots of paperwork for my trip to Japan and China, but glad to be finally getting it done, so that took alot of my attention off ed, but I'm still struggling with finding the right balance with planning meals too much or trying to listen to my body, as I've been listening to my body, lately and I find myself not eating enough, and then feeling guilty when I do eat, so I feel like its triggering restricting, so I need to work on that more, I had a great Pad Thai for lunch though, which I ate in the cafeteria, I'm also trying to make sure I'm with others when I eat, so I'm not tempted to restrict or binge, it seems to help alot.
Some great quotes from a book I'm reading on eating disorders called, Thin Enough by Sheryle Cruse and its about her life through ed but after every section has response questions to help recovery and is book to help guide people through recovery, unlike the novel Wasted which I found triggered alot fo my ed symptoms, and decided to steer clear from books like that, until I'm at that stage in life that I can read those things without getting triggered.
Some Quotes that I find helpful are
Sheryl Cruse, "Criticism is bound to come, and I had to learn how to deal with it. For most of my life, I'd equated love with being perfect,being pleasing. Destructive criticism occured in my past, hurting me, directly attacking me with such labels of "worthless" and "stupid."Now constructive criticism existed to help me. Just because I'd failed at doing something 100 percent perfectly did not mean that I was 100 percent worthless."
This was extremely helpful for mean becuase I'm very sensitive and want to please everyone around me, and find it hard to except criticism without taking it too deeply to heart and hurting me. I realize that I need to listen to the criticism but not let it make me feel unworthy, or not good enough.


I just found this cute picture of me , with all my three brothers from when I was about 5, ahh those days, I was a huge tomboy since I grew up with 3 rowdy boys and spent most of my time outside playing make believe with them and climbing all over our treehouse and jungle gym, when I wasn't doing that, I was reading:) thats me the english major

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Guilt

I feel sad today, due to I found a friend of mine was diagnosed with ed and I feel that I was so into my self last semester that I didn't do what I could of to help her. It's so hard for me to feel that even though I suspected it, I was unable to help her in anyway. It's also hard for me to realize how selfish I am when I am deep into my ed and not able to help those around me. I've also been just overwhelmed with paperwork and everything else for my study abroad and trip to Japan, that I put off for the last month. I'm finding it hard not to give into ed behaviors in order to put up with this stress, but I"m trying hard to stay calm and committed to recovery so that this doesn't happen:) On a more positive not I had another good chat with a close friend and we had ice tea and some banana bread together, and just talked. I'm finding how much it helps to be with people more and not isolate myself due to Ed. I will not give in today to the binge/restricting feeling that are lurking in my mind, after I resisted a binge last night, I feel that I can defiently do it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Being Here and Now

Today was beautiful here in New England with all the sun we are getting, I enjoyed my first bike ride after four months of not being able to due to the snow and I rode to the library and had a coffee with a friend, it was very motivating tonight, as I spoke to a friend about what I've been struggling with and how much I'm ready to keep moving toward recovery, I'm still on a high from my trip to Memphis and have been doing very well, I did last night get tempted to restrict today, but thankfully I didn't and kept myself on the right track.
I read this verse today and it really helped me
"Love suffers long and is kind, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never Fails" -1 Corinthians 13:4, 7-8
I just feel that love is something that has been shown to me by some many other bloggers and those around me, and I'm so glad for it as now I feel how important it is in recovery, and the need for me also to show love to those in my own life, as so many are struggling with things even if its not an ed.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Back from Memphis

This is a restuarant we ate on the famous Beale street, home of Elvis Presley, and rock and roll and I'm back from a inspiring week in Memphis it was a good trip and I really learned alot about myself on the trip and challenged myself and being able to say no to ed. It was easy for me to resist my ed on this trip due to I was busy during the whole week working at the community center and prepping for their festival all day, so their was little time to think about food, and calories, and this really made me realize how much there is to life when I'm free of this. and that there is more to me than my ed, I realized I was good working with younger children and tutoring them and that I enjoyed it. I also realized I need to trust myself more and that I can do more things then I think I can, becuase I also did a bunch of art/design projects for the backdrop of the festival and they worked, and now I see there is so much more to my life then food. This trip gave me the chance to see what I need to work on in order to overcome. I learned also alot about social justice and racial equality and how passionate I am about this topic, and I was able to visit the civil rights museum which is built on the place where Martin Luther King died, and it was an amazing experience and I felt very empowered by this experience and others through-out my trip that keep pushing me into the direction of recovery.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Off to Tennessee

I' I had another rough day today, I went to Chinatown and turned the day into an all day binge and am feeling pretty sick right now. I feel that going to Tennessee couldn't have came at a better time, and it will be a good break for me to focus on other things for a while:) I'm really excited and leave tommorow morning, so I won't be online until next Sunday March 15, but some positive things today is I got to pamper myself a little and get a new haircut and spend time with friends. I'm still struggling to stay on the path of recovery and I'm realizing how deep my eating disorder is now, after the last two weeks, that I might need to get more professional help, beyond the college counselor, but now that I realized I can't do it alone, I'm looking in doing some intense out patient or seeing a therapist and nutritonist, so I'l keep you guys updated on what goes on with that. I'm really just sick of ed and want it gone so bad, but this behaviors have been with me for 5 years which makes them harder to get rid of. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm not giving up:) I want to get on with my life and pursue my goals for the next year, of studying abroad in China this fall and also going to teach ESL in Japan this summer. I don't want to give up my dreams and waste my life focusing on weight and calories.

My new haircut:)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Challenges

Today was a long day, but relaxing, I got up this morning studied for my exam and just relaxed and worked the rest of the day, its hard for me not to feel guilty on days like this, where I'm not busy. I know I need some rest sometimes. Tommorow is going to be a big challenge for me. I'm going to Boston to get an haircut and then eating out with my friend in Chinatown for lunch. I'm really nervous since I usually always binge after eating out, due to the guilt I have which leds me to feeling its an all or nothing, even though I usually eat pretty healthy going out, not knowing the calorie content is a real challenge, I'm hoping tommorow goes well, I'm going to focus on just hanging out with my friend and not the food, thats my goal:) Then I leave Saturday morning at 1am for my flight to Tennessee which is a pretty crazy schedule
I had some delicious snacks today, my favorite Naked Green Machine Smoothie:), I love these if they weren't so expensive I would drink them alot more

I also got to try a Clif ZBar in Honey Graham it was really good and was exactly what I needed after an exam

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Missing Home

-Could Trigger-
As today was my last day of classes before spring break, I really wishing I was going home to philly and not going on this trip, I miss my friends from home and hanging out, and also just the comfort. I think this challenge of this trip for the next week will really be a big adventure and to challenge my recovery, I feel that admitting also that in the last week, I've been clinging to safe foods, and I don't want anyone to feel whoms reading my post that my eating is normal or something they should model after. As I'm in my second week of recovery and am trying to slowly get into a more normal eating pattern. I also want to admit that I've been restricting, and its something I'm fighting everyday. This morning I was able to have some cheerios, shredded wheat, soymilk and raisins and fought the urge to restrict
Then later I found myself in the battlegrounds as I sat in my class this morning, and was counting calories in my notebook, instead of listening, and writing notes, this calorie counting thing has been a habit since high school and I realize its something I need to stop, and a friend saw it the other day, who knows about my ed and I was embarrassed and realized that I'm still far from recovery or getting better. After this morning, I fought the desires of ed to restrict as it kept telling me to just eat less otherwise since I already had breakfast, I would get out of control again. I fought this mindset and sat down to lunch and had a fear food which was a chicken curry salad, which i used to love before ed, and one of my new nectar cacao mocha bars, and feel proud that I fought and won.
Yet I feel that many around me are aware now of my ed, as I once kept it hidden, and did so very well, but I told some close friends and part of me wishes I hadn't, but I also realize by telling people who care, when I go off the deep end, they are there as a reminder that theres more important things in life. I also recognize the need to recover as I'm sick of battling with this since I was 16 and am now 21 and want it out of my life, but there are so many habits that it has left with me and I'm stilling trying to break, part of me also feels that I don't deserve recovery, that I'm not sick enough, that I'm not worthy of it, but I know that is part of ed telling me I need to get worse in order to even deserve help. As I struggled with this battle alone through my three years in high school and kept silent as I never got to a dangrously low weight, but for my body it was, but I still didn't think anything was wrong with me. I remembering the summer of my junior year in high school passing out at home due to fasting and it waking me up that I need to get better, again I would get better for a while and eat in fear of parents finding out and ed would pull me back in. This cycle has never ended for the past five years, but I know now its time
-Renewal and Recovery are just over the horizon and now it just needs to be grasped-

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Cold, Chilly Tuesday

Before my play writing class, i got some equal exchange decaf, and added soymilk and treated myself to a Cliff Brownie Bar, what a delicious combination on such a cold afternoon


After Class and a long work shift, I came back to my dorm and had some whole wheat bread, with tabboleouh, red pepper hummus,lettuce, tomatoes, and sprouts, an awesome combination:) and hit the spot
I am now off to the Gym, which I haven't done in a while due to ed issues and hoping to slowly get back into it, I'm thinking just a little ellipitical tonight, I'm not a big gym fan, due to my intense love of the outdoors and that includes biking and running, but due to all the ice and snow of new england, this will have to wait a bit till it warms up more, I love any working out and rock climbing which I haven't done since the fall, but its one of my favorites and hopefully then get some psych in before Bed, to prep for my exam on Thursday and then I'm done for a week:) It can't come soon enough, I feel that this trip to Tennessee will really challenge ed and myself to see that theres is so much more to life and it will give me that push that i need, right now!

This picture reminds me of that first step to overcome an challenge is the hardest and I know on this challenge of overcoming Ed I have already taken this step, and so I need to continue on my journey of recovery.

Today was a new morning, a new day, and full of new beginnings, I had a breakfast of kashi go lean w/raisins/ and soymilk
Then I studied for the rest of the morning for my upcoming Psych exam on Thursday, Yet, I am very sad this class is over, as it was only half a semester class, but it had alot of interesting information and I really enjoyed it.

After studying I went to the mail room and found that my mother had sent me a care package of all these different bars, including the white chocolate macademia cliff bars everyone has been bloggin about an a nectar cacao mocha bar and my all time favorites Chai tea luna bars, plus some of my favorite yogi ginger tea, and a whole box of blueberry bliss luna bars
Then I grabbed some lunch at the cafe in the dining hall, that is now offering more vegetarian/healthy selections, and I got a tomato rustic Pearl couscous, and a golden delicous apple, and it was a good lunch for a cold , snowy day

With all this cold weather and huge snow storm, I am so excited spring break starts Thursday but instead of going home to Philly, I'm going to Tennessee this Friday for a Missions/service trip, and its going to be in the 60s all week there. I can't wait, but am a little nervous about the food situation/ being able not to let ed issues get in the way. I realize this might be a good chance to take my mind off all this stuff and just enjoy helping and learning from others.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Snowy Monday

I didn't give in to restricting, and was able to eat a balance meal plan today, no matter how much I wanted not to, I had
Breakfast-Smores Luna Bar and a apple, coffee w/soy
Lunch-Sandwhich w/red pepper hummus and sprouts, and a salad
Dinner-Split Pea soup, chocolate soymilk, a slice of whole wheat bread and an apple
It was tough but I know I needed to eat in order to keep from binging again, I'm so glad this day is over though, so tommorow, I can start again refreshed, and get back to a schedule

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Tough Sunday

Today was tough, I resisted all day to binging, but then tonight, I just fell apart and started eating non-stop, I let ed get back into control, as he wasn't too happy after my successful week of not giving in and I binged and felt out of control, I know tommorow I will want to restrict but I know I need to fight this and stick to my mealplan and forgive myself and learn from this experience, but know I feel bloated, and unhappy, its so hard, I hate ed, I wish I didn't have to face food everyday, it makes everything so much harder, but hopefully tommorow will be a better day:)