Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Guilt
I feel sad today, due to I found a friend of mine was diagnosed with ed and I feel that I was so into my self last semester that I didn't do what I could of to help her. It's so hard for me to feel that even though I suspected it, I was unable to help her in anyway. It's also hard for me to realize how selfish I am when I am deep into my ed and not able to help those around me. I've also been just overwhelmed with paperwork and everything else for my study abroad and trip to Japan, that I put off for the last month. I'm finding it hard not to give into ed behaviors in order to put up with this stress, but I"m trying hard to stay calm and committed to recovery so that this doesn't happen:) On a more positive not I had another good chat with a close friend and we had ice tea and some banana bread together, and just talked. I'm finding how much it helps to be with people more and not isolate myself due to Ed. I will not give in today to the binge/restricting feeling that are lurking in my mind, after I resisted a binge last night, I feel that I can defiently do it.
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4 comments:
Im sorry to hear about your friend. Keep pushing you can do this!
hii just came across your bloggy.
you have to remeber though that you cant blame yourself for not helping your friend even if you feel looking back on it that you could have changed somthing because ED dpes this to you like makes everything not seem as important as food and rstricting and stuff
congrats for not binging last night aswell :) i know it can be hard i do it alot :/
love peony xxx
My Precious Emmy:
YOU ARE AN ANGEL. Your compassion for others is extraordinary, and one that you MUST redirect towards yourself. In Buddhist teaching and yoga, we call this METTA. The practice of compassion. Do not look for the negative in the situation doll. That does not help you, nor does it help your friend. It is so sad, yes, that she has been diagnosed with Ed. But, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. In other words, you can be of IMMENSE support to her during this time. You KNOW what it is like to be demonized by such a destructive head-game. YOU KNOW how alone it feels, how disgusting it feels. You know the pain she is going through. You CAN be there for her. How extraordinary! I only wish I had a best friend who was as compassionate as you are.
Here's the thing: Ed gets V. SPECIFIC with those he chooses to invade. We are all the kindest, gentlest, and overly adequate. We would rather hurt ourselves than hurt another. Your friend did NOT become engulfed in this illness because of you! You know that. DO NOT allow Ed to tell you otherwise. There is a pain you are feeling, UNDERNEATH all of Ed's bullshit. A pain that you have tried to silence for far too long, a pain possibly associated with your friend. LISTEN TO IT. What is Emmy trying to say? What is EMMY trying to feel? WHERE IS EMMY'S VOICE? Only in silencing your true voice, your true pains, your true emotions, does Ed's voice have the opportunity to take over. You are not at the basis for your friend's illness. But if you want to help her, it is essential that you let go of the negative, the harmful, and the detrimental energy, in order to make room for the good energy, the kind energy, EMMY'S ENERGY. Mindfulness. Listen to YOUR feelings, NOT ED'S. You can do this. I am here for you and I'm so proud of you for this journey you are undertaking. What a beautiful place in your life to be. You are being REINTRODUCED to Emmy. Be kind to her. Start from scratch. And when Ed comes knocking, ALWAYS remind yourself that his life has already ended, and YOU MADE THAT CHOICE, boobear. I'm here. <333 Wishing you love and light, babydoll. Love and Light. Be kind.
-Julz
I am sorry to hear about your friend!
stay strong girlie! you can do this.
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