Sunday, October 31, 2010

Standing up for myself!

It all started with a simple latte this afternoon and a nasty barista, that led me to this finding!

When someone is rude or hurtful to me I turn to my eating disorder!

The situation:
This afternoon I went to get a latte at a quite expensive place, and I needed one quarter back in change, so I asked if I could have my change in quarters. The guy very rudely said, "We don't do that here."
I felt upset at first and almost apologized at my request, but I stayed strong, no apology and reminded myself It wasn't a big favor to ask when I just spent four dollars on a latte there! hmmmmmmmmmmmm, so in the past, I would have apologized, went back to my apartment, and beat myself up and use behaviors.

Today, I smiled as I left, yes, I was upset and did pour my latte down my kitchen sink drain. But I didn't use behaviors and let it go, I just won't go back there for coffee again..

Situation two/ trigger 2

Was out with friends and ate one reeses cup with the comment of your eating alot of chocolate tonight from another friend.
I stuck to my guns, and at first let it bother me, but then let the comment pass, after thinking through the situation and noticing the rest of the night how this same friend apologized for what she was eating or if she ate too much, so she wasn't too happy with herself I noticed as she apologized for eating another caramel apple hmmmmmmmmm?

I did go home and beat myself up, but kept thinking of how this friend's comment was more about her own insecurity around food, and not just targeted at me.
I stopped beating myself up, and let myself enjoy one of my biggest fear foods, and did it moderately!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Update/ ED Recovery

Well, it's been over six months since I lasted posted, and I've fallen down a slippery slope
Alot has happened in six months and alot has changed.
-I graduated from College in May with my BA in English Literature but, I b/p so bad the night before and ran 15 miles to miss out on part of my ceremony, that I was a mess.
-Got a job teaching English as a Second Language to Chinese Immigrants full time, worked 10 hours a day from May-Currently and loving my job, but letting my eating disorder take control of my life again
-Started restricting again and it's strange but I went from struggling mostly with bulimia to now anorexic behaviors, and have lost too much weight
-Felt like a failure Last Week/ Crisis mode/ Now going to a IOP day program for eating disorders to get my life back

I start Monday, and I'm scared, scared to give up my ED, scared to face the reality of the damage I've done to my body from my ED and scared to face refeeding!

I've learned so much from these last months, I've grown, I moved into my own apartment outside Boston, I fell in love, so many good things too!!!

A road to new beginnings......... A new story.......

Friday, March 12, 2010

Becoming Vegan and Enjoying it!

I am experimenting with maybe committing to becoming a vegan, I was one for about one year in high school and am aware of how to do it and everything. I always have loved alot of vegan goods Soy delicious ice cream is almost the only ice cream I eat, I love raw tofu plain, I eat soy yogurt alot, and I prefer soy and almond milk and have never been a fan of regular milk since high school. With all the realizations of how little I actually eat things that aren't vegan besides my big fav which is fish, which is something I'm still asking myself can I give it up and not let ed take part in this whole choice. As right now its a personal choice not driven by ed as I feel free of it more when I'm eating things I love and that I believe help the environment. Some new vegan eats that I've been enjoying are:

So Delicious Coconut yogurt I will just say is amazing, I luv this stuff, I had the coconut milk ice cream they make before, but this yogurt surprised me. I've tried alot of different soy yogurts alot of times unimpressed except for Silk which I really enjoy, but this stuff is right up there with me and I can happily replace my greek yogurt and start eating this:)

I had to sneak one of these in the other day in my grocery cart, read about in this book

Lets just say it might be the icing on the cake, when it comes to making the choice to become vegan, jk, I really do love my vegs and everything else out there too:)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Kicked Eds But!!!!!!!!!!!

I started therapy and my first session went well, i had a hard weekend of restricting and then tonight i binged on a bunch of sugar free stuff, leaving me with a horrible stomache and thats when I decided I'm sick of feeling sick and making myself this way. So embracing this positive thought, I threw away all my diet products right into the trash, and said take that E.D. This is my life:)

I want to be free like I was last semester in China, free to think, free to live, free to embrace life, and free to eat. I was happy in China even though I gained some weight from trying to recover, it was better then what I'm like now!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Start at Therapy

I finally made a big step two weeks ago, and decided to go to therapy, I been hanging unto my disorder far too long, and having too many set-backs while doing recovery on my own, so I choose to try it out! It was so hard to make the appointment, I kept finding myself saying, "I don't really need it, and I'm not as bad as I used to be with my ed." Coming back from China, and Japan and realizing that none of my behaviors have dissappeared and some of them dug even deeper.
I knew I needed to make this commitment!
It was hard when I walked in two weeks ago to my first appt. but it went well, it was akward and for sure extremely stressful, but I pulled through and made the best of it.
Last night was my second appt. now I have mixed feelings, we talked about alot that I've never really told anyone, and brought up alot of emotions.
My eating disordered self said, "Just don't go back, you really don't need it, and you are doing fine with your dieting and this is just getting in the way of all that"
But I gave it a good night of journaling and a long walk to think and realized
I want recovery, and I know if I back-out of therapy that I will continue down this path.
So I chose therapy!!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

College Life/ Last Semester

I got back to college last week, it's been a crazy two weeks since then, as I lost my Pop/Grandfather, and I miss him so much.
I am also glad to be back with my friends and see all of them.
The luxury of finally being in an apartment this semester and being able to eat what I like:)
The weather today is like this:Then I enjoyed some bites of addictive goodness this afternoon, I love these, because they are just plain satsifying.Then I am now completing some of my work which means reading lots and lots of this:

Which is just blah right now!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Life on Hold

I've had a good day, simply simple and fantastic
I've been enjoying being on break and just relaxing and taking it all in, I mean the U.S.A of course
I'm going through culture re-entry which sometime
s makes me want to scream, but its all part of a process.
On the food front I treated myself to my favorite iced tea!!!!!!!!! I love the mango flavor, and there is no fake sweeteners in it and its organic:) I a little pricey for ice tea, but it was refreshing