Kicked Eds But!!!!!!!!!!!

I started therapy and my first session went well, i had a hard weekend of restricting and then tonight i binged on a bunch of sugar free stuff, leaving me with a horrible stomache and thats when I decided I'm sick of feeling sick and making myself this way. So embracing this positive thought, I threw away all my diet products right into the trash, and said take that E.D. This is my life:)


I want to be free like I was last semester in China, free to think, free to live, free to embrace life, and free to eat. I was happy in China even though I gained some weight from trying to recover, it was better then what I'm like now!

Start at Therapy

I finally made a big step two weeks ago, and decided to go to therapy, I been hanging unto my disorder far too long, and having too many set-backs while doing recovery on my own, so I choose to try it out! It was so hard to make the appointment, I kept finding myself saying, "I don't really need it, and I'm not as bad as I used to be with my ed." Coming back from China, and Japan and realizing that none of my behaviors have dissappeared and some of them dug even deeper.
I knew I needed to make this commitment!
It was hard when I walked in two weeks ago to my first appt. but it went well, it was akward and for sure extremely stressful, but I pulled through and made the best of it.
Last night was my second appt. now I have mixed feelings, we talked about alot that I've never really told anyone, and brought up alot of emotions.
My eating disordered self said, "Just don't go back, you really don't need it, and you are doing fine with your dieting and this is just getting in the way of all that"
But I gave it a good night of journaling and a long walk to think and realized
I want recovery, and I know if I back-out of therapy that I will continue down this path.
So I chose therapy!!

College Life/ Last Semester

I got back to college last week, it's been a crazy two weeks since then, as I lost my Pop/Grandfather, and I miss him so much.
I am also glad to be back with my friends and see all of them.
The luxury of finally being in an apartment this semester and being able to eat what I like:)
The weather today is like this:Then I enjoyed some bites of addictive goodness this afternoon, I love these, because they are just plain satsifying.Then I am now completing some of my work which means reading lots and lots of this:

Which is just blah right now!!!

Life on Hold

I've had a good day, simply simple and fantastic

I've been enjoying being on break and just relaxing and taking it all in, I mean the U.S.A of course

I'm going through culture re-entry which sometime

s makes me want to scream, but its all part of a process.

On the food front I treated myself to my favorite iced tea!!!!!!!!! I love the mango flavor, and there is no fake sweeteners in it and its organic:) I a little pricey for ice tea, but it was refreshing

Enjoying the Holidays and My top Favorite things of 2009

Happy Holidays, and I'm back to Blogging

Going to China and Studying for 4 months and making it through even with all the challenges and hard times, was able to make it an amazing experience

Drinking Bubble Tea and not regretting it

Reading lots and lots of good books and being able to explore, and be part of so many different stories and far away lands and lives

Spending a two months working at College and enjoying the beautiful Ocean, and just thinking and writing poetry

Outdoor Girl

Today I did one of my favorite things, I went for a long bike road along the coast and packed a sweet hummus sandwhich and ate it while sitting and looking out over the water. I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon:) I struggled once I came back though, when I'm not busy, alone, and have free time I struggle the most. But I fought the urges to binge, but my stomach felt pretty bad most of the day after last night's binge, from all the foods I ate. My body is basically telling me in its own way, it can't handle my eating disorder anymore. I realize now is the time to change, as I'm only 21 and have so much ahead of me. Now is not the time to let ED ruin my body or my life. So after my sweet bike ride, I read a bit a book Brothers by Da Chen, its really interesting, and enjoyable. Then tonight I made pancakes w/ some friends for dinner, too much sugar though so I feel a little sick still. I super senesitive since my Ed to Caffeine, and proccessed foods, probably since i restricted / ate super healthy all through high school, until my binging in college started. So my body is basically not too happy this week. Hopefully tommorow it will feel better:)

Staying Strong and Safe: Warning may trigger

Today was amazing, but still challenging, I need to work on calming my emotions and letting myself relax, in a frantic mode today i bike to the beach, read for a couple hours, biked even more, then proceeded to skip a meal, then binged in the evening, lets just say I'm not quite happy with myself right now, for doing so many ED Behaviors and giving in. My mother had a good chat with me tonight, and she told me my body is crying out for food, as I'm a strong women who needs to eat. I realize how stupid I've been being, basically not eating all day, denying myself what I love, not sleeping, and then binging every night on junk foods that give no nutrition to my body and give me an upset stomach. It seems like everytime I do let myself indulge, I make it some sort of punishment, as I never enjoy it. After assessing today and the last couple years, I realized my self hatred towards my body and who I am as a person, is causing me to treat myself like a second class citizen. where has respect go for myself, and the beautiful person God has created me to be. In my mind I know I cannot get better from this ED without first excepting myself and who the Lord made me to be with all my flaws and gifts. Now I realize that I must be strong, and I need more of a schedule and mentally I need to prepare myself for spending the next four months studyiny in China:)