Standing up for myself!

It all started with a simple latte this afternoon and a nasty barista, that led me to this finding!

When someone is rude or hurtful to me I turn to my eating disorder!

The situation:
This afternoon I went to get a latte at a quite expensive place, and I needed one quarter back in change, so I asked if I could have my change in quarters. The guy very rudely said, "We don't do that here."
I felt upset at first and almost apologized at my request, but I stayed strong, no apology and reminded myself It wasn't a big favor to ask when I just spent four dollars on a latte there! hmmmmmmmmmmmm, so in the past, I would have apologized, went back to my apartment, and beat myself up and use behaviors.

Today, I smiled as I left, yes, I was upset and did pour my latte down my kitchen sink drain. But I didn't use behaviors and let it go, I just won't go back there for coffee again..

Situation two/ trigger 2

Was out with friends and ate one reeses cup with the comment of your eating alot of chocolate tonight from another friend.
I stuck to my guns, and at first let it bother me, but then let the comment pass, after thinking through the situation and noticing the rest of the night how this same friend apologized for what she was eating or if she ate too much, so she wasn't too happy with herself I noticed as she apologized for eating another caramel apple hmmmmmmmmm?

I did go home and beat myself up, but kept thinking of how this friend's comment was more about her own insecurity around food, and not just targeted at me.
I stopped beating myself up, and let myself enjoy one of my biggest fear foods, and did it moderately!

Update/ ED Recovery

Well, it's been over six months since I lasted posted, and I've fallen down a slippery slope
Alot has happened in six months and alot has changed.
-I graduated from College in May with my BA in English Literature but, I b/p so bad the night before and ran 15 miles to miss out on part of my ceremony, that I was a mess.
-Got a job teaching English as a Second Language to Chinese Immigrants full time, worked 10 hours a day from May-Currently and loving my job, but letting my eating disorder take control of my life again
-Started restricting again and it's strange but I went from struggling mostly with bulimia to now anorexic behaviors, and have lost too much weight
-Felt like a failure Last Week/ Crisis mode/ Now going to a IOP day program for eating disorders to get my life back


I start Monday, and I'm scared, scared to give up my ED, scared to face the reality of the damage I've done to my body from my ED and scared to face refeeding!

I've learned so much from these last months, I've grown, I moved into my own apartment outside Boston, I fell in love, so many good things too!!!


A road to new beginnings......... A new story.......

Becoming Vegan and Enjoying it!

I am experimenting with maybe committing to becoming a vegan, I was one for about one year in high school and am aware of how to do it and everything. I always have loved alot of vegan goods Soy delicious ice cream is almost the only ice cream I eat, I love raw tofu plain, I eat soy yogurt alot, and I prefer soy and almond milk and have never been a fan of regular milk since high school. With all the realizations of how little I actually eat things that aren't vegan besides my big fav which is fish, which is something I'm still asking myself can I give it up and not let ed take part in this whole choice. As right now its a personal choice not driven by ed as I feel free of it more when I'm eating things I love and that I believe help the environment. Some new vegan eats that I've been enjoying are:

So Delicious Coconut yogurt I will just say is amazing, I luv this stuff, I had the coconut milk ice cream they make before, but this yogurt surprised me. I've tried alot of different soy yogurts alot of times unimpressed except for Silk which I really enjoy, but this stuff is right up there with me and I can happily replace my greek yogurt and start eating this:)

I had to sneak one of these in the other day in my grocery cart, read about in this book

Lets just say it might be the icing on the cake, when it comes to making the choice to become vegan, jk, I really do love my vegs and everything else out there too:)

Kicked Eds But!!!!!!!!!!!

I started therapy and my first session went well, i had a hard weekend of restricting and then tonight i binged on a bunch of sugar free stuff, leaving me with a horrible stomache and thats when I decided I'm sick of feeling sick and making myself this way. So embracing this positive thought, I threw away all my diet products right into the trash, and said take that E.D. This is my life:)


I want to be free like I was last semester in China, free to think, free to live, free to embrace life, and free to eat. I was happy in China even though I gained some weight from trying to recover, it was better then what I'm like now!

Start at Therapy

I finally made a big step two weeks ago, and decided to go to therapy, I been hanging unto my disorder far too long, and having too many set-backs while doing recovery on my own, so I choose to try it out! It was so hard to make the appointment, I kept finding myself saying, "I don't really need it, and I'm not as bad as I used to be with my ed." Coming back from China, and Japan and realizing that none of my behaviors have dissappeared and some of them dug even deeper.
I knew I needed to make this commitment!
It was hard when I walked in two weeks ago to my first appt. but it went well, it was akward and for sure extremely stressful, but I pulled through and made the best of it.
Last night was my second appt. now I have mixed feelings, we talked about alot that I've never really told anyone, and brought up alot of emotions.
My eating disordered self said, "Just don't go back, you really don't need it, and you are doing fine with your dieting and this is just getting in the way of all that"
But I gave it a good night of journaling and a long walk to think and realized
I want recovery, and I know if I back-out of therapy that I will continue down this path.
So I chose therapy!!

College Life/ Last Semester

I got back to college last week, it's been a crazy two weeks since then, as I lost my Pop/Grandfather, and I miss him so much.
I am also glad to be back with my friends and see all of them.
The luxury of finally being in an apartment this semester and being able to eat what I like:)
The weather today is like this:Then I enjoyed some bites of addictive goodness this afternoon, I love these, because they are just plain satsifying.Then I am now completing some of my work which means reading lots and lots of this:

Which is just blah right now!!!

Life on Hold

I've had a good day, simply simple and fantastic

I've been enjoying being on break and just relaxing and taking it all in, I mean the U.S.A of course

I'm going through culture re-entry which sometime

s makes me want to scream, but its all part of a process.

On the food front I treated myself to my favorite iced tea!!!!!!!!! I love the mango flavor, and there is no fake sweeteners in it and its organic:) I a little pricey for ice tea, but it was refreshing

Enjoying the Holidays and My top Favorite things of 2009

Happy Holidays, and I'm back to Blogging

Going to China and Studying for 4 months and making it through even with all the challenges and hard times, was able to make it an amazing experience

Drinking Bubble Tea and not regretting it

Reading lots and lots of good books and being able to explore, and be part of so many different stories and far away lands and lives

Spending a two months working at College and enjoying the beautiful Ocean, and just thinking and writing poetry

Outdoor Girl

Today I did one of my favorite things, I went for a long bike road along the coast and packed a sweet hummus sandwhich and ate it while sitting and looking out over the water. I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon:) I struggled once I came back though, when I'm not busy, alone, and have free time I struggle the most. But I fought the urges to binge, but my stomach felt pretty bad most of the day after last night's binge, from all the foods I ate. My body is basically telling me in its own way, it can't handle my eating disorder anymore. I realize now is the time to change, as I'm only 21 and have so much ahead of me. Now is not the time to let ED ruin my body or my life. So after my sweet bike ride, I read a bit a book Brothers by Da Chen, its really interesting, and enjoyable. Then tonight I made pancakes w/ some friends for dinner, too much sugar though so I feel a little sick still. I super senesitive since my Ed to Caffeine, and proccessed foods, probably since i restricted / ate super healthy all through high school, until my binging in college started. So my body is basically not too happy this week. Hopefully tommorow it will feel better:)

Staying Strong and Safe: Warning may trigger

Today was amazing, but still challenging, I need to work on calming my emotions and letting myself relax, in a frantic mode today i bike to the beach, read for a couple hours, biked even more, then proceeded to skip a meal, then binged in the evening, lets just say I'm not quite happy with myself right now, for doing so many ED Behaviors and giving in. My mother had a good chat with me tonight, and she told me my body is crying out for food, as I'm a strong women who needs to eat. I realize how stupid I've been being, basically not eating all day, denying myself what I love, not sleeping, and then binging every night on junk foods that give no nutrition to my body and give me an upset stomach. It seems like everytime I do let myself indulge, I make it some sort of punishment, as I never enjoy it. After assessing today and the last couple years, I realized my self hatred towards my body and who I am as a person, is causing me to treat myself like a second class citizen. where has respect go for myself, and the beautiful person God has created me to be. In my mind I know I cannot get better from this ED without first excepting myself and who the Lord made me to be with all my flaws and gifts. Now I realize that I must be strong, and I need more of a schedule and mentally I need to prepare myself for spending the next four months studyiny in China:)

Chocolate Addiction?

I currently am having a chocolate addiction, ahhhhh, why is it always the things that set off my acid reflux that I crave, I bought a bar of Green and Blacks -MY FAV- who can say no to this stuff;) Dark Chocolate w/ nuts and dried fruit and it took me back to my favorite Cadbury fruit & nut bar when I was younger but its ten times better and its organic. But I think i'm over my chocolate fetish, as I seemed to have enough and instead of denying myself it, and feeling bad, I ate what I wanted and then i was done, no binge, just pure enjoyment w/o guilt. Thats how works listening to my body and going with what I want, but not overdoing it:) Yet, since I don't have a car, that what happens when you want to travel to Japan and China and one year all your funds dissappear, so I have my loyal bike to take me everywhere, but it decided to get a flat tire on the way back from my favorite beach, on my day off, so I got the pure bliss of wheeling it back to campus, ahhhhhhhhhhh 3 miles in cycling shoes would have been awful, luckily I packed a pair of flip-flop, yeah for adventure, and the fresh air today!Well, I need to add more photos to my blog, once I find my camera, I will do so, so wait tommorow hopeful there will be photos? Stay tuned: I'm going out to a cute college hang-out for breakfast w/ a friend tommorow!

Happy for LIfe!!

Today was hard, I did binge quite frequently, but then tonight its like I had a breakthrough, I am now after being binge free for an entire month, and then just starting again into the behaviors again this week. I realize how horrible/unhappy I feel while binging, and how much better and free I felt w/o it. I now know its possible to recover and I'm going to continue down the path of recovery, and I know this week I made some mistakes but I'm ready to move on.
3 positive things I did today
1- I had a delicious Raspberry Colada Smoothie at the cutest Italian style coffee shop w/ a dear friend
2-One of my closest friends talked to me for 2 hours today on the phone
3-a sweet bike ride on a cool summer evening talking w/ God
I'm now ready to give recovery my all
100%

Back to Life in the US and ED 's attacks

Here are some pictures from my amazing trip to Japan and the three japanese arts I had a chance to practice, including pottery, calligraphy, and tea ceremony, I truly loved my time spent there, and am now missing it:(





I moved back to my college campus to work for the next month and am now finding myself plunging back deep into my disorder as this is the place it always gets the worse. I feel so lonely and its so easy to get deep into old ways of binging and overexercising and restricting. I grew so much during my trip my binging literally was crazy my first two weeks there I could not stop, since i had my own apartment I didn't feel the guilt of binging, if I had been staying with anyone, and it was crazy, and I often cried myself to sleep. Yet, then I started sorting out my triggers and was able to amazingly not binge for an entire month, and also I was learing to except myself and not to hate myself. Its so hard though but now back at college my binging came back and its hard to fight it away again. I hope everyones is doing well, I haven't written in a long time but I miss blogging:)

In Japan;]

I haven`t been on here in a while, but update, I`m currently in Japan, I made it, haha, I`ve been here for a week and am teaching esl to younger children and am enjoying being part of a japanese church in the countryside, and I love all the places to bike, and the good food, I`m still struggling with binging as I`m alone here alot, but I`m trying to overcome it in this peaceful land. I love the people here and it feels like a second home, I`m the only foreigner in town so I get alot of stares though and my blonde hair doesn`t help either, but I`m loving it, and I`ve already learned alot;]
lots of love from the land of the rising sun
Emmy

Wonderful Weekend at Home

I got to bake since I've been home, I made the recipe for 10 Grain muffins on the back of Bob's Red Mill package and I added raisin and some cinnamon to spice them up, they were so delicious with some strawberry jam from whole foods

I also got to try this new currant drink blended with passionfruit since I've been home, the only thing is its super sweet so I had to dilute it with water, but I loved the flavor I think it would be even better with some sparkling water. I got it on sale for 98 cents can't beat that as its usually almost 2.50 at the market.
I bought some Japanese language books at Barnes and Nobles while down in the city with my friend to get ready for my trip to Japan I really need to brush up, its been a couple years since my last class


I'm so glad that I was able to go home for the last couple days, its been so renewing and awesome its hard to want to go back to school, I talked to my mom and she is understanding more about my struggles and it has gone well. I feel that as I get older that my mom realizes my past behaviors and has now seen a major change in my attitude about life in general and how much different I am when not deep into my ed, and it has been a much happier time at home now, without all ed pulling me down, I enjoyed my weekend, I got to go to Philly this past Thursday and I ate at two amazing places
Pita Pi, where I got a delicious falafel pita, and Capogiro for the most amazing gelato with a close friend where I had an amazing combo of nutella, and a papaya flavor gelato, I had such a good time and it was nice to have some good food other then college. I also got to go to this Chocolate Cafe and got a Bangkok truffle that was infused with tea and lemongrass flavors, it was alot of fun to try and just enjoy the sunshine and walking around. In all this weekend has been such a good bonding experience with my close friends and my family, and it was relaxing, its hard to want to go back to school, but now I feel refreshed and recharged and ready to tackle the last four weeks of college
I got to try this delicous combo, my first breakfast at home, so good, weetabix, strawberries, and a container of my favorite stonyfield blueberry yogurt, ahh I could eat this every morning, it was so good I bought some weetabix and some almond milk to try back at school


I also bought a bunch of luna bars, and kashi, and my favorite cadbury and green and blacks to bring back with me to college, so excited to try some of these mojo bar flavors too:)Well, Enjoy your Easter Weekend:), I'm so sad that its almost over

Reminders of Beauty and Life

Today I started out positive I went for a bike ride after breakfast of Kashi Go Lean,plain yogurt, and raisins, and went to the beach to do my quiettime, it felt so peaceful and serene, but then when it came to lunch ed started bothering me, with questions of "You don't deserve to eat" and kept pounding into me, I almost went into binge mode, but then I tried one of my techniques just to remove myself and think about something else and go read a book, and also to figure out what started this. Now I'm glad to say it worked and I was able to stop myself mid-binge and talk myself out of it, I'm so glad that I'm able to realize that I have the strength to do this:)

Such a good feeling, and yesterday me and my brother went out to the cutest cafe and got goatcheese, and pesto paninis w/ carrot ginger soup,it was very relaxing and nice to share a meal with family, I'm so glad to be able to have these moments and also the strength now to realize when I'm going back to ed, this journey, is making me stronger, I feel like from what I was a couple months ago, I have changed hugely and am ready to face the world. I also saw my friend last night who is also recovering from an ed and she is doing very well, and it was so encouraging to see her strength, she had as she fought.
I'm ready to do the same, and get better:) Yes, to seeing alot of beautiful days ahead and to growing in recovery and getting through the hardships.

Yes to going home in two days to philly for Easter:) with my family and seeing my closest friends

Beautiful Saturday

I've had an amazing Friday and Saturday:)
I spent last night with Friends and we went to a show on campus called "Golden Goose" its when 3 guys from every class, is picked and has to perform a stage act and make a video and then the best class wins:) So it was alot of fun,
Today I woke up pretty late and cleaned up my room and again went for a lovely bike ride to the beach and treated myself to some ice cream and not feel guilt about it. I got Missippi Mud w/coffee and orea in chocolate ice cream a delicious combo, and so nice to just sit by the water and relax.
I also bought this new oatmeal to try from Shaws its really good and its organic a plus
I will just say it was delish w/ a bit of silk soymilk
I am so glad to be able to live/ to live fully and not just live halfheartedly, I will live up to my full potentional and not let ed pull me down. This realization of how much better life is without ed is a reminder to me, not to let ed pull me down, but I know I will have many struggles ahead, I'm going to keep on making it and smiling everyday, and find the good things in life and not focus on all the negatives.Life is full of worries and struggles
Every moment a breath is taken, a heart races
Glimpses of life and brightness meet thine eyes
All is not lost in this moment of sorrow, or the pains of hardship
Grasp deeper and pull yourself unto the wings of endurance
Survivors we are and overcomers we will triumph through these times
-Lots of love and keep pushing through this girls
Emmy

Day of Questions

Today I listened to my body, and tried to eat what I needed and the nutrition I need after restricting for a while, I had an amazing lunch after my bike ride to the beach of Sushi and a Green Machine Smoothie:) all my favs

Here's a picture of one of the beachs I ride to, only 2 miles from campus, I'm very spoiled by all this beautiful coast that my school is nearby :)
I then just studied the afternoon and worked on my play I am writing for my script class, it has to be 50-60pgs as its a 1 Act, so its alot of work, plus two other papers, so I'm defiently in the final countdown of the semester:)
I go home in five days, and before I was thrilled about it, by now I'm not so sure, having to deal with my mom, is one of the biggest reasons, I don't want to go home, and at home its usually a bigger trigger then college, with her comments mixed with the anxiety and stress in my house due to my younger brother is putting my parents through alot.
So unless I'm at a dangerously low weight, she doesn't believe I have any problems that some dieting or exercise can fix, so hard to explain to her my problems without feeling like a attention seeker, so hard, as I've been the child in my family, who's been the most independent and never needed helps. I've been really honest with her this year, and telling her what I've been going through for the last five, but now I realize I have to want recovery for myself even if I don't have the help of my parents or their concern, its just hard as I'm now 21 and it seems like yesterday I was 16 and going through the worst of my behaviors right in front of their eyes, and they never tried to help me, and I feel like I want their attention, and I know that I need to get over this desire as they will never fulfill this need for me. So hard to say but, true to tell myself.
Well sorry for all the ranting/long story
I'm glad today was today and I was able to enjoy the sunshine and the lovely weather!

I'm Back

I haven't been on in a while, due to I've been fighting hard against my ed, and just trying to figure things out, I basically gave in, and fought my way out, I kept thinking it was easier to go back, but it wasn't, I realized now, my only option is recovery, if I want to be happy and end my cycle of restricting and binging, and this came at a good time, as in less then two months, I'm flying to Japan on May 20th:) I just got my plane ticket, so yes, happy news, and my goal is to become free from this horrid disorder, I want to challenge myself, by taking one day at a time, and I have exactly 50 days before I go, so I'm wicked excited:) and I go home next week, for a well deserved break from school too.
I've been listening alot to help improve my terrible mandarin with some Wang Lee Hom, who's one of my favorite taiwanese singers:)

Fighting

I slept in till 11:30 today, I've been on a strange schedule and just did hw all morning/afternoon before I go to work, ahh so much for leaving things till the last minute, I had a delicous new yogurt flavor for breakfast along with my granola and strawberries.
It tasted like a dessert but wasn't too sweet, one of my new favorites, It was so a good morning after a hard night of binging and just not feeling good about myself, I let ed take over my mind and I never want it to happen again. I even went out to the grocery store to buy binge food, and I felt horrible, knowing what I was about to do, it was so sad, but something happened at the check-out, I saw a guy from my college, whom I know pretty well, and he asked me how I was doing?, I was so embarrased as he had interrupted ed's plans to get me back to my empty dorm room and just binge. So this helped and my binge was short lived, I'm so happy now I realize there is so much more to life, beyond this ed and that moment captured it as it is somenone I greatly respect whom I saw during my episode. I'm still fighting for control of my life and its a tough fight, It seems so easier just to give in like I have in the past, but this time I will not!!! I have to repeat to myself, "This is my life, not eds, and I want to enjoy whom I am and not waste time on ed behaviors"