Earth Girl

Standing up for myself!

2010-10-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

It all started with a simple latte this afternoon and a nasty barista, that led me to this finding!

When someone is rude or hurtful to me I turn to my eating disorder!

The situation:
This afternoon I went to get a latte at a quite expensive place, and I needed one quarter back in change, so I asked if I could have my change in quarters. The guy very rudely said, "We don't do that here."
I felt upset at first and almost apologized at my request, but I stayed strong, no apology and reminded myself It wasn't a big favor to ask when I just spent four dollars on a latte there! hmmmmmmmmmmmm, so in the past, I would have apologized, went back to my apartment, and beat myself up and use behaviors.

Today, I smiled as I left, yes, I was upset and did pour my latte down my kitchen sink drain. But I didn't use behaviors and let it go, I just won't go back there for coffee again..

Situation two/ trigger 2

Was out with friends and ate one reeses cup with the comment of your eating alot of chocolate tonight from another friend.
I stuck to my guns, and at first let it bother me, but then let the comment pass, after thinking through the situation and noticing the rest of the night how this same friend apologized for what she was eating or if she ate too much, so she wasn't too happy with herself I noticed as she apologized for eating another caramel apple hmmmmmmmmm?

I did go home and beat myself up, but kept thinking of how this friend's comment was more about her own insecurity around food, and not just targeted at me.
I stopped beating myself up, and let myself enjoy one of my biggest fear foods, and did it moderately!

Update/ ED Recovery

2010-10-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been over six months since I lasted posted, and I've fallen down a slippery slope
Alot has happened in six months and alot has changed.
-I graduated from College in May with my BA in English Literature but, I b/p so bad the night before and ran 15 miles to miss out on part of my ceremony, that I was a mess.
-Got a job teaching English as a Second Language to Chinese Immigrants full time, worked 10 hours a day from May-Currently and loving my job, but letting my eating disorder take control of my life again
-Started restricting again and it's strange but I went from struggling mostly with bulimia to now anorexic behaviors, and have lost too much weight
-Felt like a failure Last Week/ Crisis mode/ Now going to a IOP day program for eating disorders to get my life back

I start Monday, and I'm scared, scared to give up my ED, scared to face the reality of the damage I've done to my body from my ED and scared to face refeeding!

I've learned so much from these last months, I've grown, I moved into my own apartment outside Boston, I fell in love, so many good things too!!!

A road to new beginnings......... A new story.......

Becoming Vegan and Enjoying it!

2010-03-12T06:45:00.001-08:00

I am experimenting with maybe committing to becoming a vegan, I was one for about one year in high school and am aware of how to do it and everything. I always have loved alot of vegan goods Soy delicious ice cream is almost the only ice cream I eat, I love raw tofu plain, I eat soy yogurt alot, and I prefer soy and almond milk and have never been a fan of regular milk since high school. With all the realizations of how little I actually eat things that aren't vegan besides my big fav which is fish, which is something I'm still asking myself can I give it up and not let ed take part in this whole choice. As right now its a personal choice not driven by ed as I feel free of it more when I'm eating things I love and that I believe help the environment. Some new vegan eats that I've been enjoying are:

So Delicious Coconut yogurt I will just say is amazing, I luv this stuff, I had the coconut milk ice cream they make before, but this yogurt surprised me. I've tried alot of different soy yogurts alot of times unimpressed except for Silk which I really enjoy, but this stuff is right up there with me and I can happily replace my greek yogurt and start eating this:)

I had to sneak one of these in the other day in my grocery cart, read about in this book

Lets just say it might be the icing on the cake, when it comes to making the choice to become vegan, jk, I really do love my vegs and everything else out there too:)

Kicked Eds But!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-21T19:52:00.000-08:00

I started therapy and my first session went well, i had a hard weekend of restricting and then tonight i binged on a bunch of sugar free stuff, leaving me with a horrible stomache and thats when I decided I'm sick of feeling sick and making myself this way. So embracing this positive thought, I threw away all my diet products right into the trash, and said take that E.D. This is my life:)

I want to be free like I was last semester in China, free to think, free to live, free to embrace life, and free to eat. I was happy in China even though I gained some weight from trying to recover, it was better then what I'm like now!

Start at Therapy

2010-02-12T09:15:00.000-08:00

I finally made a big step two weeks ago, and decided to go to therapy, I been hanging unto my disorder far too long, and having too many set-backs while doing recovery on my own, so I choose to try it out! It was so hard to make the appointment, I kept finding myself saying, "I don't really need it, and I'm not as bad as I used to be with my ed." Coming back from China, and Japan and realizing that none of my behaviors have dissappeared and some of them dug even deeper.
I knew I needed to make this commitment!
It was hard when I walked in two weeks ago to my first appt. but it went well, it was akward and for sure extremely stressful, but I pulled through and made the best of it.
Last night was my second appt. now I have mixed feelings, we talked about alot that I've never really told anyone, and brought up alot of emotions.
My eating disordered self said, "Just don't go back, you really don't need it, and you are doing fine with your dieting and this is just getting in the way of all that"
But I gave it a good night of journaling and a long walk to think and realized
I want recovery, and I know if I back-out of therapy that I will continue down this path.
So I chose therapy!!

College Life/ Last Semester

2010-01-17T17:57:00.000-08:00

I got back to college last week, it's been a crazy two weeks since then, as I lost my Pop/Grandfather, and I miss him so much.
I am also glad to be back with my friends and see all of them.
The luxury of finally being in an apartment this semester and being able to eat what I like:)
The weather today is like this:Then I enjoyed some bites of addictive goodness this afternoon, I love these, because they are just plain satsifying.Then I am now completing some of my work which means reading lots and lots of this:

Which is just blah right now!!!

Life on Hold

2009-12-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

I've had a good day, simply simple and fantastic

I've been enjoying being on break and just relaxing and taking it all in, I mean the U.S.A of course

I'm going through culture re-entry which sometime

s makes me want to scream, but its all part of a process.

On the food front I treated myself to my favorite iced tea!!!!!!!!! I love the mango flavor, and there is no fake sweeteners in it and its organic:) I a little pricey for ice tea, but it was refreshing

Enjoying the Holidays and My top Favorite things of 2009

2009-12-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays, and I'm back to Blogging

Going to China and Studying for 4 months and making it through even with all the challenges and hard times, was able to make it an amazing experience

Drinking Bubble Tea and not regretting it

Reading lots and lots of good books and being able to explore, and be part of so many different stories and far away lands and lives

Spending a two months working at College and enjoying the beautiful Ocean, and just thinking and writing poetry

Outdoor Girl

2009-08-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

Today I did one of my favorite things, I went for a long bike road along the coast and packed a sweet hummus sandwhich and ate it while sitting and looking out over the water. I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon:) I struggled once I came back though, when I'm not busy, alone, and have free time I struggle the most. But I fought the urges to binge, but my stomach felt pretty bad most of the day after last night's binge, from all the foods I ate. My body is basically telling me in its own way, it can't handle my eating disorder anymore. I realize now is the time to change, as I'm only 21 and have so much ahead of me. Now is not the time to let ED ruin my body or my life. So after my sweet bike ride, I read a bit a book Brothers by Da Chen, its really interesting, and enjoyable. Then tonight I made pancakes w/ some friends for dinner, too much sugar though so I feel a little sick still. I super senesitive since my Ed to Caffeine, and proccessed foods, probably since i restricted / ate super healthy all through high school, until my binging in college started. So my body is basically not too happy this week. Hopefully tommorow it will feel better:)

Staying Strong and Safe: Warning may trigger

2009-08-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today was amazing, but still challenging, I need to work on calming my emotions and letting myself relax, in a frantic mode today i bike to the beach, read for a couple hours, biked even more, then proceeded to skip a meal, then binged in the evening, lets just say I'm not quite happy with myself right now, for doing so many ED Behaviors and giving in. My mother had a good chat with me tonight, and she told me my body is crying out for food, as I'm a strong women who needs to eat. I realize how stupid I've been being, basically not eating all day, denying myself what I love, not sleeping, and then binging every night on junk foods that give no nutrition to my body and give me an upset stomach. It seems like everytime I do let myself indulge, I make it some sort of punishment, as I never enjoy it. After assessing today and the last couple years, I realized my self hatred towards my body and who I am as a person, is causing me to treat myself like a second class citizen. where has respect go for myself, and the beautiful person God has created me to be. In my mind I know I cannot get better from this ED without first excepting myself and who the Lord made me to be with all my flaws and gifts. Now I realize that I must be strong, and I need more of a schedule and mentally I need to prepare myself for spending the next four months studyiny in China:)

Chocolate Addiction?

2009-07-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

I currently am having a chocolate addiction, ahhhhh, why is it always the things that set off my acid reflux that I crave, I bought a bar of Green and Blacks -MY FAV- who can say no to this stuff;) Dark Chocolate w/ nuts and dried fruit and it took me back to my favorite Cadbury fruit & nut bar when I was younger but its ten times better and its organic. But I think i'm over my chocolate fetish, as I seemed to have enough and instead of denying myself it, and feeling bad, I ate what I wanted and then i was done, no binge, just pure enjoyment w/o guilt. Thats how works listening to my body and going with what I want, but not overdoing it:) Yet, since I don't have a car, that what happens when you want to travel to Japan and China and one year all your funds dissappear, so I have my loyal bike to take me everywhere, but it decided to get a flat tire on the way back from my favorite beach, on my day off, so I got the pure bliss of wheeling it back to campus, ahhhhhhhhhhh 3 miles in cycling shoes would have been awful, luckily I packed a pair of flip-flop, yeah for adventure, and the fresh air today!Well, I need to add more photos to my blog, once I find my camera, I will do so, so wait tommorow hopeful there will be photos? Stay tuned: I'm going out to a cute college hang-out for breakfast w/ a friend tommorow!

Happy for LIfe!!

2009-07-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

Today was hard, I did binge quite frequently, but then tonight its like I had a breakthrough, I am now after being binge free for an entire month, and then just starting again into the behaviors again this week. I realize how horrible/unhappy I feel while binging, and how much better and free I felt w/o it. I now know its possible to recover and I'm going to continue down the path of recovery, and I know this week I made some mistakes but I'm ready to move on.
3 positive things I did today
1- I had a delicious Raspberry Colada Smoothie at the cutest Italian style coffee shop w/ a dear friend
2-One of my closest friends talked to me for 2 hours today on the phone
3-a sweet bike ride on a cool summer evening talking w/ God
I'm now ready to give recovery my all
100%

Back to Life in the US and ED 's attacks

2009-07-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from my amazing trip to Japan and the three japanese arts I had a chance to practice, including pottery, calligraphy, and tea ceremony, I truly loved my time spent there, and am now missing it:(

I moved back to my college campus to work for the next month and am now finding myself plunging back deep into my disorder as this is the place it always gets the worse. I feel so lonely and its so easy to get deep into old ways of binging and overexercising and restricting. I grew so much during my trip my binging literally was crazy my first two weeks there I could not stop, since i had my own apartment I didn't feel the guilt of binging, if I had been staying with anyone, and it was crazy, and I often cried myself to sleep. Yet, then I started sorting out my triggers and was able to amazingly not binge for an entire month, and also I was learing to except myself and not to hate myself. Its so hard though but now back at college my binging came back and its hard to fight it away again. I hope everyones is doing well, I haven't written in a long time but I miss blogging:)

In Japan;]

2009-06-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

I haven`t been on here in a while, but update, I`m currently in Japan, I made it, haha, I`ve been here for a week and am teaching esl to younger children and am enjoying being part of a japanese church in the countryside, and I love all the places to bike, and the good food, I`m still struggling with binging as I`m alone here alot, but I`m trying to overcome it in this peaceful land. I love the people here and it feels like a second home, I`m the only foreigner in town so I get alot of stares though and my blonde hair doesn`t help either, but I`m loving it, and I`ve already learned alot;]
lots of love from the land of the rising sun
Emmy

Wonderful Weekend at Home

2009-04-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

I got to bake since I've been home, I made the recipe for 10 Grain muffins on the back of Bob's Red Mill package and I added raisin and some cinnamon to spice them up, they were so delicious with some strawberry jam from whole foods

I also got to try this new currant drink blended with passionfruit since I've been home, the only thing is its super sweet so I had to dilute it with water, but I loved the flavor I think it would be even better with some sparkling water. I got it on sale for 98 cents can't beat that as its usually almost 2.50 at the market.
I bought some Japanese language books at Barnes and Nobles while down in the city with my friend to get ready for my trip to Japan I really need to brush up, its been a couple years since my last class

I'm so glad that I was able to go home for the last couple days, its been so renewing and awesome its hard to want to go back to school, I talked to my mom and she is understanding more about my struggles and it has gone well. I feel that as I get older that my mom realizes my past behaviors and has now seen a major change in my attitude about life in general and how much different I am when not deep into my ed, and it has been a much happier time at home now, without all ed pulling me down, I enjoyed my weekend, I got to go to Philly this past Thursday and I ate at two amazing places
Pita Pi, where I got a delicious falafel pita, and Capogiro for the most amazing gelato with a close friend where I had an amazing combo of nutella, and a papaya flavor gelato, I had such a good time and it was nice to have some good food other then college. I also got to go to this Chocolate Cafe and got a Bangkok truffle that was infused with tea and lemongrass flavors, it was alot of fun to try and just enjoy the sunshine and walking around. In all this weekend has been such a good bonding experience with my close friends and my family, and it was relaxing, its hard to want to go back to school, but now I feel refreshed and recharged and ready to tackle the last four weeks of college
I got to try this delicous combo, my first breakfast at home, so good, weetabix, strawberries, and a container of my favorite stonyfield blueberry yogurt, ahh I could eat this every morning, it was so good I bought some weetabix and some almond milk to try back at school

I also bought a bunch of luna bars, and kashi, and my favorite cadbury and green and blacks to bring back with me to college, so excited to try some of these mojo bar flavors too:)Well, Enjoy your Easter Weekend:), I'm so sad that its almost over

Reminders of Beauty and Life

2009-04-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

Today I started out positive I went for a bike ride after breakfast of Kashi Go Lean,plain yogurt, and raisins, and went to the beach to do my quiettime, it felt so peaceful and serene, but then when it came to lunch ed started bothering me, with questions of "You don't deserve to eat" and kept pounding into me, I almost went into binge mode, but then I tried one of my techniques just to remove myself and think about something else and go read a book, and also to figure out what started this. Now I'm glad to say it worked and I was able to stop myself mid-binge and talk myself out of it, I'm so glad that I'm able to realize that I have the strength to do this:)

Such a good feeling, and yesterday me and my brother went out to the cutest cafe and got goatcheese, and pesto paninis w/ carrot ginger soup,it was very relaxing and nice to share a meal with family, I'm so glad to be able to have these moments and also the strength now to realize when I'm going back to ed, this journey, is making me stronger, I feel like from what I was a couple months ago, I have changed hugely and am ready to face the world. I also saw my friend last night who is also recovering from an ed and she is doing very well, and it was so encouraging to see her strength, she had as she fought.
I'm ready to do the same, and get better:) Yes, to seeing alot of beautiful days ahead and to growing in recovery and getting through the hardships.

Yes to going home in two days to philly for Easter:) with my family and seeing my closest friends

Beautiful Saturday

2009-04-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

I've had an amazing Friday and Saturday:)
I spent last night with Friends and we went to a show on campus called "Golden Goose" its when 3 guys from every class, is picked and has to perform a stage act and make a video and then the best class wins:) So it was alot of fun,
Today I woke up pretty late and cleaned up my room and again went for a lovely bike ride to the beach and treated myself to some ice cream and not feel guilt about it. I got Missippi Mud w/coffee and orea in chocolate ice cream a delicious combo, and so nice to just sit by the water and relax.
I also bought this new oatmeal to try from Shaws its really good and its organic a plus
I will just say it was delish w/ a bit of silk soymilk
I am so glad to be able to live/ to live fully and not just live halfheartedly, I will live up to my full potentional and not let ed pull me down. This realization of how much better life is without ed is a reminder to me, not to let ed pull me down, but I know I will have many struggles ahead, I'm going to keep on making it and smiling everyday, and find the good things in life and not focus on all the negatives.Life is full of worries and struggles
Every moment a breath is taken, a heart races
Glimpses of life and brightness meet thine eyes
All is not lost in this moment of sorrow, or the pains of hardship
Grasp deeper and pull yourself unto the wings of endurance
Survivors we are and overcomers we will triumph through these times
-Lots of love and keep pushing through this girls
Emmy

Day of Questions

2009-04-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

Today I listened to my body, and tried to eat what I needed and the nutrition I need after restricting for a while, I had an amazing lunch after my bike ride to the beach of Sushi and a Green Machine Smoothie:) all my favs

Here's a picture of one of the beachs I ride to, only 2 miles from campus, I'm very spoiled by all this beautiful coast that my school is nearby :)
I then just studied the afternoon and worked on my play I am writing for my script class, it has to be 50-60pgs as its a 1 Act, so its alot of work, plus two other papers, so I'm defiently in the final countdown of the semester:)
I go home in five days, and before I was thrilled about it, by now I'm not so sure, having to deal with my mom, is one of the biggest reasons, I don't want to go home, and at home its usually a bigger trigger then college, with her comments mixed with the anxiety and stress in my house due to my younger brother is putting my parents through alot.
So unless I'm at a dangerously low weight, she doesn't believe I have any problems that some dieting or exercise can fix, so hard to explain to her my problems without feeling like a attention seeker, so hard, as I've been the child in my family, who's been the most independent and never needed helps. I've been really honest with her this year, and telling her what I've been going through for the last five, but now I realize I have to want recovery for myself even if I don't have the help of my parents or their concern, its just hard as I'm now 21 and it seems like yesterday I was 16 and going through the worst of my behaviors right in front of their eyes, and they never tried to help me, and I feel like I want their attention, and I know that I need to get over this desire as they will never fulfill this need for me. So hard to say but, true to tell myself.
Well sorry for all the ranting/long story
I'm glad today was today and I was able to enjoy the sunshine and the lovely weather!

I'm Back

2009-04-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on in a while, due to I've been fighting hard against my ed, and just trying to figure things out, I basically gave in, and fought my way out, I kept thinking it was easier to go back, but it wasn't, I realized now, my only option is recovery, if I want to be happy and end my cycle of restricting and binging, and this came at a good time, as in less then two months, I'm flying to Japan on May 20th:) I just got my plane ticket, so yes, happy news, and my goal is to become free from this horrid disorder, I want to challenge myself, by taking one day at a time, and I have exactly 50 days before I go, so I'm wicked excited:) and I go home next week, for a well deserved break from school too.
I've been listening alot to help improve my terrible mandarin with some Wang Lee Hom, who's one of my favorite taiwanese singers:)

Fighting

2009-03-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

I slept in till 11:30 today, I've been on a strange schedule and just did hw all morning/afternoon before I go to work, ahh so much for leaving things till the last minute, I had a delicous new yogurt flavor for breakfast along with my granola and strawberries.
It tasted like a dessert but wasn't too sweet, one of my new favorites, It was so a good morning after a hard night of binging and just not feeling good about myself, I let ed take over my mind and I never want it to happen again. I even went out to the grocery store to buy binge food, and I felt horrible, knowing what I was about to do, it was so sad, but something happened at the check-out, I saw a guy from my college, whom I know pretty well, and he asked me how I was doing?, I was so embarrased as he had interrupted ed's plans to get me back to my empty dorm room and just binge. So this helped and my binge was short lived, I'm so happy now I realize there is so much more to life, beyond this ed and that moment captured it as it is somenone I greatly respect whom I saw during my episode. I'm still fighting for control of my life and its a tough fight, It seems so easier just to give in like I have in the past, but this time I will not!!! I have to repeat to myself, "This is my life, not eds, and I want to enjoy whom I am and not waste time on ed behaviors"

Spring has come

2009-03-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Friday was a sporadic day, I went out with a friend and had a chicken dosa, which was a huge challenge for me as indian is a huge fear food, but I was able to focus on the social part and eat unitl I was full, so that went well, but I was so hungry after still I continued to eat into the evening with lots of ice cream and alot of the butterscotch oat scones I made, I feel it wasn't a binge though, as I've been not able to eat most of the week due to health problems with acid reflux and felt better tonight. I 've found this to be very frustrating especially in recovery when trying to eat normal and healthy and then not being able to when most foods make me sick. But on a more cheerful note, I got my bike repaired and went for an awesome bike ride this morning to the library in town and just to get some fresh air:) I am so happy I have freedom back which for me is my bike, since I don't have a car at college, but now I can go to my fav. fair trade coffee shop and the beach, so it feels like christmas morning to me today.

Spring is finally here, I'm so happy to be finally enjoying the outdoors again:) I'm a total hiking, biking, and rock climbing fan

Peace:)

2009-03-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

Today went well in the morning, alot of running around with lots of paperwork for my trip to Japan and China, but glad to be finally getting it done, so that took alot of my attention off ed, but I'm still struggling with finding the right balance with planning meals too much or trying to listen to my body, as I've been listening to my body, lately and I find myself not eating enough, and then feeling guilty when I do eat, so I feel like its triggering restricting, so I need to work on that more, I had a great Pad Thai for lunch though, which I ate in the cafeteria, I'm also trying to make sure I'm with others when I eat, so I'm not tempted to restrict or binge, it seems to help alot.
Some great quotes from a book I'm reading on eating disorders called, Thin Enough by Sheryle Cruse and its about her life through ed but after every section has response questions to help recovery and is book to help guide people through recovery, unlike the novel Wasted which I found triggered alot fo my ed symptoms, and decided to steer clear from books like that, until I'm at that stage in life that I can read those things without getting triggered.
Some Quotes that I find helpful are
Sheryl Cruse, "Criticism is bound to come, and I had to learn how to deal with it. For most of my life, I'd equated love with being perfect,being pleasing. Destructive criticism occured in my past, hurting me, directly attacking me with such labels of "worthless" and "stupid."Now constructive criticism existed to help me. Just because I'd failed at doing something 100 percent perfectly did not mean that I was 100 percent worthless."
This was extremely helpful for mean becuase I'm very sensitive and want to please everyone around me, and find it hard to except criticism without taking it too deeply to heart and hurting me. I realize that I need to listen to the criticism but not let it make me feel unworthy, or not good enough.

I just found this cute picture of me , with all my three brothers from when I was about 5, ahh those days, I was a huge tomboy since I grew up with 3 rowdy boys and spent most of my time outside playing make believe with them and climbing all over our treehouse and jungle gym, when I wasn't doing that, I was reading:) thats me the english major

Guilt

2009-03-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

I feel sad today, due to I found a friend of mine was diagnosed with ed and I feel that I was so into my self last semester that I didn't do what I could of to help her. It's so hard for me to feel that even though I suspected it, I was unable to help her in anyway. It's also hard for me to realize how selfish I am when I am deep into my ed and not able to help those around me. I've also been just overwhelmed with paperwork and everything else for my study abroad and trip to Japan, that I put off for the last month. I'm finding it hard not to give into ed behaviors in order to put up with this stress, but I"m trying hard to stay calm and committed to recovery so that this doesn't happen:) On a more positive not I had another good chat with a close friend and we had ice tea and some banana bread together, and just talked. I'm finding how much it helps to be with people more and not isolate myself due to Ed. I will not give in today to the binge/restricting feeling that are lurking in my mind, after I resisted a binge last night, I feel that I can defiently do it.

Being Here and Now

2009-03-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

Today was beautiful here in New England with all the sun we are getting, I enjoyed my first bike ride after four months of not being able to due to the snow and I rode to the library and had a coffee with a friend, it was very motivating tonight, as I spoke to a friend about what I've been struggling with and how much I'm ready to keep moving toward recovery, I'm still on a high from my trip to Memphis and have been doing very well, I did last night get tempted to restrict today, but thankfully I didn't and kept myself on the right track.
I read this verse today and it really helped me
"Love suffers long and is kind, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never Fails" -1 Corinthians 13:4, 7-8
I just feel that love is something that has been shown to me by some many other bloggers and those around me, and I'm so glad for it as now I feel how important it is in recovery, and the need for me also to show love to those in my own life, as so many are struggling with things even if its not an ed.

Back from Memphis

2009-03-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

This is a restuarant we ate on the famous Beale street, home of Elvis Presley, and rock and roll and I'm back from a inspiring week in Memphis it was a good trip and I really learned alot about myself on the trip and challenged myself and being able to say no to ed. It was easy for me to resist my ed on this trip due to I was busy during the whole week working at the community center and prepping for their festival all day, so their was little time to think about food, and calories, and this really made me realize how much there is to life when I'm free of this. and that there is more to me than my ed, I realized I was good working with younger children and tutoring them and that I enjoyed it. I also realized I need to trust myself more and that I can do more things then I think I can, becuase I also did a bunch of art/design projects for the backdrop of the festival and they worked, and now I see there is so much more to my life then food. This trip gave me the chance to see what I need to work on in order to overcome. I learned also alot about social justice and racial equality and how passionate I am about this topic, and I was able to visit the civil rights museum which is built on the place where Martin Luther King died, and it was an amazing experience and I felt very empowered by this experience and others through-out my trip that keep pushing me into the direction of recovery.

Off to Tennessee

2009-03-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

I' I had another rough day today, I went to Chinatown and turned the day into an all day binge and am feeling pretty sick right now. I feel that going to Tennessee couldn't have came at a better time, and it will be a good break for me to focus on other things for a while:) I'm really excited and leave tommorow morning, so I won't be online until next Sunday March 15, but some positive things today is I got to pamper myself a little and get a new haircut and spend time with friends. I'm still struggling to stay on the path of recovery and I'm realizing how deep my eating disorder is now, after the last two weeks, that I might need to get more professional help, beyond the college counselor, but now that I realized I can't do it alone, I'm looking in doing some intense out patient or seeing a therapist and nutritonist, so I'l keep you guys updated on what goes on with that. I'm really just sick of ed and want it gone so bad, but this behaviors have been with me for 5 years which makes them harder to get rid of. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm not giving up:) I want to get on with my life and pursue my goals for the next year, of studying abroad in China this fall and also going to teach ESL in Japan this summer. I don't want to give up my dreams and waste my life focusing on weight and calories.

My new haircut:)

Challenges

2009-03-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

Today was a long day, but relaxing, I got up this morning studied for my exam and just relaxed and worked the rest of the day, its hard for me not to feel guilty on days like this, where I'm not busy. I know I need some rest sometimes. Tommorow is going to be a big challenge for me. I'm going to Boston to get an haircut and then eating out with my friend in Chinatown for lunch. I'm really nervous since I usually always binge after eating out, due to the guilt I have which leds me to feeling its an all or nothing, even though I usually eat pretty healthy going out, not knowing the calorie content is a real challenge, I'm hoping tommorow goes well, I'm going to focus on just hanging out with my friend and not the food, thats my goal:) Then I leave Saturday morning at 1am for my flight to Tennessee which is a pretty crazy schedule
I had some delicious snacks today, my favorite Naked Green Machine Smoothie:), I love these if they weren't so expensive I would drink them alot more

I also got to try a Clif ZBar in Honey Graham it was really good and was exactly what I needed after an exam

Missing Home

2009-03-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

-Could Trigger-
As today was my last day of classes before spring break, I really wishing I was going home to philly and not going on this trip, I miss my friends from home and hanging out, and also just the comfort. I think this challenge of this trip for the next week will really be a big adventure and to challenge my recovery, I feel that admitting also that in the last week, I've been clinging to safe foods, and I don't want anyone to feel whoms reading my post that my eating is normal or something they should model after. As I'm in my second week of recovery and am trying to slowly get into a more normal eating pattern. I also want to admit that I've been restricting, and its something I'm fighting everyday. This morning I was able to have some cheerios, shredded wheat, soymilk and raisins and fought the urge to restrict
Then later I found myself in the battlegrounds as I sat in my class this morning, and was counting calories in my notebook, instead of listening, and writing notes, this calorie counting thing has been a habit since high school and I realize its something I need to stop, and a friend saw it the other day, who knows about my ed and I was embarrassed and realized that I'm still far from recovery or getting better. After this morning, I fought the desires of ed to restrict as it kept telling me to just eat less otherwise since I already had breakfast, I would get out of control again. I fought this mindset and sat down to lunch and had a fear food which was a chicken curry salad, which i used to love before ed, and one of my new nectar cacao mocha bars, and feel proud that I fought and won.
Yet I feel that many around me are aware now of my ed, as I once kept it hidden, and did so very well, but I told some close friends and part of me wishes I hadn't, but I also realize by telling people who care, when I go off the deep end, they are there as a reminder that theres more important things in life. I also recognize the need to recover as I'm sick of battling with this since I was 16 and am now 21 and want it out of my life, but there are so many habits that it has left with me and I'm stilling trying to break, part of me also feels that I don't deserve recovery, that I'm not sick enough, that I'm not worthy of it, but I know that is part of ed telling me I need to get worse in order to even deserve help. As I struggled with this battle alone through my three years in high school and kept silent as I never got to a dangrously low weight, but for my body it was, but I still didn't think anything was wrong with me. I remembering the summer of my junior year in high school passing out at home due to fasting and it waking me up that I need to get better, again I would get better for a while and eat in fear of parents finding out and ed would pull me back in. This cycle has never ended for the past five years, but I know now its time
-Renewal and Recovery are just over the horizon and now it just needs to be grasped-

Cold, Chilly Tuesday

2009-03-03T16:49:00.001-08:00

Before my play writing class, i got some equal exchange decaf, and added soymilk and treated myself to a Cliff Brownie Bar, what a delicious combination on such a cold afternoon

After Class and a long work shift, I came back to my dorm and had some whole wheat bread, with tabboleouh, red pepper hummus,lettuce, tomatoes, and sprouts, an awesome combination:) and hit the spot
I am now off to the Gym, which I haven't done in a while due to ed issues and hoping to slowly get back into it, I'm thinking just a little ellipitical tonight, I'm not a big gym fan, due to my intense love of the outdoors and that includes biking and running, but due to all the ice and snow of new england, this will have to wait a bit till it warms up more, I love any working out and rock climbing which I haven't done since the fall, but its one of my favorites and hopefully then get some psych in before Bed, to prep for my exam on Thursday and then I'm done for a week:) It can't come soon enough, I feel that this trip to Tennessee will really challenge ed and myself to see that theres is so much more to life and it will give me that push that i need, right now!

This picture reminds me of that first step to overcome an challenge is the hardest and I know on this challenge of overcoming Ed I have already taken this step, and so I need to continue on my journey of recovery.

2009-03-03T09:19:00.000-08:00

Today was a new morning, a new day, and full of new beginnings, I had a breakfast of kashi go lean w/raisins/ and soymilk
Then I studied for the rest of the morning for my upcoming Psych exam on Thursday, Yet, I am very sad this class is over, as it was only half a semester class, but it had alot of interesting information and I really enjoyed it.

After studying I went to the mail room and found that my mother had sent me a care package of all these different bars, including the white chocolate macademia cliff bars everyone has been bloggin about an a nectar cacao mocha bar and my all time favorites Chai tea luna bars, plus some of my favorite yogi ginger tea, and a whole box of blueberry bliss luna bars
Then I grabbed some lunch at the cafe in the dining hall, that is now offering more vegetarian/healthy selections, and I got a tomato rustic Pearl couscous, and a golden delicous apple, and it was a good lunch for a cold , snowy day

With all this cold weather and huge snow storm, I am so excited spring break starts Thursday but instead of going home to Philly, I'm going to Tennessee this Friday for a Missions/service trip, and its going to be in the 60s all week there. I can't wait, but am a little nervous about the food situation/ being able not to let ed issues get in the way. I realize this might be a good chance to take my mind off all this stuff and just enjoy helping and learning from others.

Snowy Monday

2009-03-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

I didn't give in to restricting, and was able to eat a balance meal plan today, no matter how much I wanted not to, I had
Breakfast-Smores Luna Bar and a apple, coffee w/soy
Lunch-Sandwhich w/red pepper hummus and sprouts, and a salad
Dinner-Split Pea soup, chocolate soymilk, a slice of whole wheat bread and an apple
It was tough but I know I needed to eat in order to keep from binging again, I'm so glad this day is over though, so tommorow, I can start again refreshed, and get back to a schedule

Tough Sunday

2009-03-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

Today was tough, I resisted all day to binging, but then tonight, I just fell apart and started eating non-stop, I let ed get back into control, as he wasn't too happy after my successful week of not giving in and I binged and felt out of control, I know tommorow I will want to restrict but I know I need to fight this and stick to my mealplan and forgive myself and learn from this experience, but know I feel bloated, and unhappy, its so hard, I hate ed, I wish I didn't have to face food everyday, it makes everything so much harder, but hopefully tommorow will be a better day:)

Saturday Relax

2009-02-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today was a day devoted to relaxing and forgetting Ed, it went well, my brother and me went off to my Uncle's and there I just chilled out and talked with my brother on the way and actually played video games with all four of my boy cousins, see I have a huge family and I have three brothers myself and I'm the only girl, so that means alot of video games.
I knocked ed out of my mind, enjoyed my day, ate normally, didn't binge, and was able to enjoy just being me:)
I also bought something on the way home, after seeing in on so many other blogs and had a snack with some of this delicous Dark Chocolate Dreams on top of a nature valley granola bar, it was great! and I didn't let Ed make me feel guilty one bit

Weekend Battle

2009-02-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, was a real challenge for me, usually weekdays are my easier days, but the weekend is like a constant challenge not to revert back to ed behaviors, and yesterday was really hard, I felt like I just wanted to restrict and in general keep away from food due to my fear, that I would do my usual Friday binge. Yet, I made myself have cereal and some soymilk for two meals, and but I went out twice yesterday afternoon and then evening for food with friends, So it was really tough, my biggest challenge is always going out for food, or eating out in general it makes me very nervous and usually I feel really guilty after, which leads to me binging. Well last night I just ordered a soy latte at Panera, since I knew I was going out again later, but at the same time I was hungry but I restricted, due to the fear of eating foods there. Then I went on a date and I feel like I ruined it with my constant worries about eating out tonight at Uno's with my date and a bunch of friends. I was really nervous and ended up eating what I was afraid of due to I was hungry from restricting, but it was still so hard and after the feelings of guilt, I let Ed ruin my date, which really was not fun. I feel like it was hard, but I'm glad I didn't let Ed get the best of me, because I ended up not binging after which I felt was good:)
This morning I bought some delicious strawberries as a treat, due to it's almost spring

I'm ready to not let Ed ruin the rest of my weekend;)

2009-02-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up and actually went to the dining hall, and made a pretty healthy breakfast consisting of plain yogurt, grapenuts,honey, and an apple, considering a college cafeteria, we have pay per item meal plan which is great, because you can take you food with you and you can buy what you want and the food is better quality, we even have silk soy milk and kashi:)

For Lunch I almost felt like I was going to binge and though decided to wait a while by journaling to rid myself of that feeling and realize I was frustrated with a things going on in my life, that was I still feel lonely and also just not having positive feelings about who I am, I realized that this techinque of just writing, kept me from acting out my ed behaviors, so after that and getting some studying in at the library, I picked up Sushi-which was one of my challenge foods for this week, to let myself eat it and not feel guilt, and not to think about calories, since most of my saftey foods consist of things I know the calories of, and I realize this behavior is something I really need to work on

Then I am off to do the rest of my homework, which is mostly Shakespeare, and I packed this Bar as a snack before work, its one of my new favorites it really tastes like a blueberry crisp or a good dessert
Then off to coffee with my brother later and getting more studying in

Quick Wednesday

2009-02-25T14:46:00.000-08:00

Today I got up and made myself a bowl of Cheerios, w/granola, and some raisins, plus plain silk soymilk

Then I packed this Kashi Bar for later, since I wouldn't have time today to have lunch until later, I never had this Chocolate Almond Flavor before but it was pretty good, tasted like a chocolate rice krispie treat, and I also packed an apple not pictured

Then for dinner I was really in the mood just for some PB and J, so I made one on whole wheat w/ Teddy's Natural Crunchy PB and Smucker's whole fruit strawberry jam

For dessert, I bought some fresh fruit from the cafe downstairs, and it was exactly what I needed, I really love fresh pineapple, once I had it, I feel like I can never go back to canned

I talked to my mom on the phone today and it was pretty hard, I always feel like my mom never really understood me, and when I was in high school my parents pretty much emotionally bailed out on me, and didn't offer me much help, but in the positive I'm closer to my older brother now, and we are going out for coffee tommorow night, he lives close by my college, as we went to the same one! I really miss my friends from high school and have never really felt at home at college, even though I'm a junior I can't wait till, I graduate, but at the same time I don't want to rush it, I feel like I keep to myself alot at college and don't really socialize much, which is not the real me, as I love to talk, but my eating disorder has really alienated me from other girls my age, and I feel like alot is so superficial at my college and alot of my friendships haven't really stuck through the hard times except my ones from home. I think I'm going to try and do things more with others on campus so I'm not alone so much, and that way keep my mind off eating disorder thougts. Well, I'm off to a missions trip meeting that I'm going on for spring break:) which should help me on the socializing and meeting people front.

2009-02-24T16:17:00.000-08:00

Today went pretty well, I've had some trouble trying to stick to my eating plan and make sure I was eating consistently, but I did it so 2 days down:)

Lunch-veggie stirfry w/brown rice

Snack:Smore Luna Bar, and a choc soymilk

Dinner-Yogurt w/apples/honey/and more granola-has become a favored combo

I also found out that I'm going to Japan this summer:) to work and I'm super excited, so I now I have a goal to work towards in recovery, as I want to be healthy and enjoy my trick when I go, and I have something to keep me busy to prepare for- which is brushing up on my Japanese

Chaotic Tuesday

2009-02-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

I'm really wishing I was doing this right now, which where I was last year around this time, In Guatemala picking coffee beans on a fair trade farm and just enjoying time spent with the locals and learning about their culture and history

But anyways I'm not, I'm in cold weather hoping we get an early spring:) and soon

I woke up this morning and had a typical college breakfast of quaker maple low-sugar instatn oats w/soymilk, yet was still hungry, so I had a bowl of cheerios w/soymilk-that was a challenge for me to eat this and not to feel like I was binging, so I'm trying to keep my mind on positive thoughts and just realize my body needed the fuel

Today is going to be hectic too, due to I have a interview at 12:30 and I'm hoping that goes well, and I work a good chunk of tonight..

I'm hoping I'm able to keep from binging or restricting, and yesterday was good, but I know today will be a huge challenge for me..

Monday, New Beginnings and a New Journey

2009-02-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

Today I started out after reading my new book about recovery and it consists of a 30 day plan that I'm going to try and stick to, the hard thing about it for me, is aknowledging the need to eat healthy and that I deserve it, a another book I read last night also about recovery, said that we need to forgive ourselves and others in order to move on with our future and healing, for me the hardest thing is forgiving myself, for the years of destruction that I placed on my life from my binging and restricting habits since I was 16 and I want to change, I feel that I am unworthy of healing and being happy, but I realize that I do deserve it after reading yesterday, As far as food wise its still really hard for me to eat and feel okay due to my acid reflux but I'm trying to eat 5 smaller meals that my doctor recommended I should do,
So today I enjoyed
Breakfast:Blueberry Bliss Luna Bar, and a Banana
Lunch:A salad w/chickpeas and also an apple
Snack:1 cup of Kashi GoLean(my favorite) and Plain Yogurt with some Trader Joe's Clover Blossom Honey-I highly reccomend this combo, very good
Dinner:I'm planning on a hummus sandwhich on whole wheat w/tabbloueh also
Snack:Chocolate Soymilk and an orange

These are all safe foods for me and I realize I need to challenge myself with stuff I normally wouldn't feel comfortable eating, except if I was binging, so I'm going to work hard the next seven days on just eating healthy and consistently, and then slowly work in other foods, once I feel comfortable with this.

This picture has a meaning behind it for me, it was when I was really struggling in high school with my eating disorder by myself, and went to Germany and was able to have a week of peace and what I feel like life would be like without ed. This is a picutre of a chapel in Heidelberg, Germany, and It makes me feel that freedom and renewal are not that faraway

Rainy Sunday, with Granola:)

2009-02-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

Today I was really tired, and did not get enough sleep last night, but I was in rush and didn't eat a good breakfast which set in alot of my ed behaviors, which forced me to fight them the rest of the day, so I had a luna bar before church, then had to eat an icky cafeteria lunch of rice and carrots, not the most healthy or picture friendly, I've been trying to find ways to get in healthier foods, and not resort to my ed behaviors and binging then the restricting which usually happens at college, it something I really need to work on, is eating three healthy meals and making sure to eat when I'm hungry and not getting to the point when I'm starving, but I did eat a great snack tonight that was delicious...

I mixed 1/2 cup of plain yogurt w/some honey,raisins,this new awesome granola I found, and a cut up golden delicious apple:) it was so good, made up for all the bad food I had today and it didn't aggravate my acid reflux

This is the new granola I bought its really good and has my two favorite things in it Dates, and Cashews..

I also spent most of the day writing my play for a class, and a paper for my Shakespeare class. I really need to find some ways to keep my mind off ed thoughts and to keep myself busier

Boba

2008-08-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I attempted to make bubble tea on my own as its one of my favorite summertime treats. My favorite flavors are taro and green tea. If you don't know what bubble tea is it's a drink that originated from Taiwan and soon became popular through-out the United States. It usually consists of either plain tea, milk tea, smoothie, or kind of like a slushy consistency. I prefer mine either smoothie whic is usually made from fresh ingredients. I usually indulge myself at the local asian market. I decided to try to make one on my own after I discoverd they sold the bubble tea pearls also known as boba which are basically tapioca balls.

To make it I basically boiled about a 1/4 cup of pearls in water until they puffed up and floated and then I let them cool. While they cooled I made a simple smoothie out of a frozen banana and soymilk. The result is this:

It ended up thicker then I wanted and I disliked the banana flavor I created, in the future I'm going to try maybe pineapple with coconut milk and some ice, also the pearls were a bit too chewy, so I believed I cooked it too long. So not the best, but was an okay attempt for my first time. Yet it was fun to experiment

I also bought these roasted japanese peas which I've been addicted to the last two years, they are one of my favorite snacks and besides those I bought some barley tea, which is used to make iced tea. As the tea bags are pretty big. It's really refreshing in the summer.

Sunny Day:)

2008-04-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today was beautiful out, and I got to get some mileage in on my running and bike riding, I always feel so much more with it when I'm exercising. I woke up late this morning and had a Bowl of Cascadian Farms Oats and Honey granola with some soymilk, it was the first time in a while I had granola straight without my usual mix ins of cheerios or Kashi heart to heart. Yet it gave me some good energy for my 15 mile bike ride, after I got back I grabbed a salad from the dining hall it was pretty good just a spring mix with avocado and roasted peppers with a mango dressing. After that I went to my classes and found out one was canceled so was able to get a 3.5 mile run in. I'm a little obsessive with my exercising since the nice weather. Then after all this fresh air, I spent the rest of the day finishing up two papers in the library and having a cashew butter and jam on some multi-grain bread with some really good fresh melon for dinner. My campus is having a free concert on campus tommorow for Save Darfur which I'm really excited for as it will be a nice break from studying. Well ,I need to put some pictures up for my boring blog, so I've got to get my camera in order, can't seem to find where I put the cord to load my pictures up. Hopefully by tommorow I'll get some pics to add to my post.

First Post

2008-04-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

A Pic from my Guatemala trip this past January I explored Fair Trade Coffee

My first blog post exciting:)
I'm mainly writing this blog just to write about my life and my passions that come along with it.
Today was rainy outside not the nicest weather but it was enjoyable it got cold again here in New England after two weeks of glorious weather. These are the days I like to take a long walk with my umbrella splashing and random puddles in my rainboats when no ones looking and curling up with a good book when I don't have any studying to do and enjoying a good soy chai latte. Today I spent most of it inside in the library writing a paper for my modern Japan class and just staying out the window at the rain and fog.